Clean Communication Script:

• Observations - specific, objective description of facts

• Thoughts - non-blaming “I” statements

• Emotions - clearly express your emotions

• Request - statements related to your needs

• Self-care Alternative - how you could take care of yourself

1. Avoid judgmental words and loaded terms. These are the zingers, the words that convey to your partner that he or she is flawed. These words attack and undermine feelings of worth. They have no place in a relationship between caring people.

2. Avoid global labels. Global labels are generalized condemnations of a partner’s identity. He or she is “stupid, sexist, crazy, selfish, lazy, useless, evil, a bitch, or an asshole.” Notice the attack is not on your partner’s behavior but on your partner’s person.

It conveys the message that he or she is bad—not just at this moment but always. When they’re delivered, global labels feel correct and just. They feel like proper punishment. But the outcome is a loss of trust and a loss of closeness.

3. Avoid “you” messages of blame and accusation. there’s usually this subtext: “You were bad and wrong for doing it to me.” Consider how the “you” message contrasts with an “I” message.

• “You” message: You’re always spoiling our evening by showing up late.

• “I” message: When you come home late I feel sad about missing the evening with you.

• “You” message: You’re never here when there’s work to be done.

• “I” message: I feel tired and irritated when I put the groceries away alone.

Notice in the “I” message that there’s no direct statement of causation, and there’s no blaming of your partner.

4. Avoid old history. Clean communication sticks with the issue at hand; pejorative communication throws mud from the past. A simple rule to follow: never bring up old history when you’re angry. Anger turns references to the past into a club rather than a source of enlightenment.

5. Avoid negative comparisons. Clean communication doesn’t make your partner feel bad about him or herself. It’s designed to help, not hurt. It’s supposed to resolve rather than reject. Negative comparisons never resolve anything. Their sole function is to punish and attack.

6. Avoid threats. The basic message contained in a threat is: you’re bad, and I’m going to punish you.

7. Describe your feelings rather than attack with them. When you describe your feelings, you use clarifying words to make them understood.

8. Keep body language open and receptive. Your body says how open and willing you are to communicate. When you have pinched lips or a tight jaw, when you are frowning, squinting, or looking away in a dubious or disgusted manner, your body is saying loud and clear that you don’t want to communicate.

If you want your body to say yes to open communication, keep good eye contact, nod while you’re listening, keep your arms uncrossed, lean slightly forward if you are sitting, and keep your face loose and relaxed.

9. Use whole messages. As described earlier, whole messages consist of observations, thoughts, feelings, and needs or wants.

10. Use clear messages. Clear messages separate observations, opinions, feelings, and needs. Contaminated messages mix or mislabel these components to create hurt and confusion.

1. Self-awareness and Bias Recognition:

• Action: Recognize personal biases and challenge preconceptions.

• Execution: Engage in self-reflection, take implicit bias tests, and consult with a coach or therapist if needed​1​.

• Tools: Implicit Bias Tests, Self-reflection Journal.

2. Conflict Type Identification:

• Action: Determine the nature and type of conflict.

• Execution: Use conflict type frameworks like Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument.

• Tools: Conflict Type Assessment Tools.

3. Conflict Analysis:

• Action: Define and analyze the conflict.

• Execution: Conduct a SWOT Analysis and a Root Cause Analysis to understand core issues, utilizing insights from stakeholders.

• Tools: SWOT Analysis Templates, Root Cause Analysis Tools.

1. Conflict Declaration:

• Action: Formally declare the conflict and the intent to resolve it collaboratively.

• Execution: Conduct a face-to-face or virtual meeting to declare the conflict and resolution intention, ensuring sensitive communication.

• Tools: Team Meeting Platforms (e.g., Zoom, MS Teams).

2. Initial Communication:

• Action: Facilitate structured communication of perspectives.

• Execution: Utilize a structured agenda and a facilitator to ensure balanced discussions​.

• Tools: Structured Agenda Template, Facilitation Training.

1. Skill Recognition and Development:

• Action: Identify and develop necessary skills for conflict management.

• Execution: Conduct workshops on communication skills, active listening, and negotiation skills​.

• Tools: Skill Assessment Tools, Workshop Materials.

2. Behavioral Flexibility:

• Action: Adapt behavior using appropriate conflict resolution modes.

• Execution: Utilize frameworks like the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument to understand and adapt personal conflict resolution style.

• Tools: Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument, Behavioral Assessment Tools.

1. Empathy and Understanding:

• Action: Practice empathy and strive to understand other perspectives.

• Execution: Engage in active listening, ask open-ended questions, and practice reflective statements to understand others better​.

• Tools: Active Listening Workshops, Empathy Training Programs.

2. Solution Brainstorming:

• Action: Brainstorm possible solutions.

• Execution: Employ techniques like brainwriting, round-robin, or nominal group technique to encourage idea generation and inclusivity.

• Tools: Brainwriting Tools, Mind Mapping Tools.

3. Neutral Mediation:

• Action: Engage a neutral mediator if necessary.

• Execution: Select a qualified mediator, explain the conflict to the mediator, and allow the mediator to facilitate a resolution discussion​.

• Tools: Mediation Services, Mediator Selection Guidelines.

1. Resolution Implementation:

• Action: Implement the agreed-upon resolution steps.

• Execution: Utilize project management tools to document the process, assign tasks, and monitor progress.

• Tools: Project Management Tools (e.g., Smartsheet, Trello).

2. Monitoring & Evaluation:

• Action: Monitor the implementation and evaluate the outcomes.

• Execution: Conduct regular check-in meetings for monitoring and utilize evaluation frameworks for a comprehensive assessment.

• Tools: Monitoring and Evaluation Tools, Feedback Collection Tools.

1. Feedback & Continuous Improvement:

• Action: Collect and provide feedback for continuous improvement.

• Execution: Use feedback collection tools to gather feedback, and conduct a structured reflection meeting to identify lessons learned.

• Tools: Feedback Collection Tools, Conflict Resolution Training.

2. Preventive Measures & Ongoing Conflict Management:

• Action: Incorporate preventive measures and ongoing conflict management strategies.

• Execution: Establish regular communication channels, create a conflict resolution protocol for future conflicts, and provide ongoing training on conflict management​.

• Tools: Communication Platforms, Conflict Resolution Protocols.